The Heartbreak of Motherhood

I’ll be honest: the newborn stage wasn’t my favorite. I think a lot factored into that. We had a gassy, fussy baby. We were first time moms and had no idea what we were doing. There wasn’t a lot of sleep happening. Breastfeeding was tricky. Everything felt really hard—but apparently that means you’re doing it right?!

He's a pretty neat little dude at this point. But here's the thing: I spend all day cheering him on and celebrating him as he cruises toward new milestones. But at night, after we’ve read books and said prayers, and it’s just me holding him and singing to him, I find myself absolutely torn to pieces knowing that he is growing up so fast. I slow down our goodnight songs so I can hold him just a little bit longer. I stare at his little face in the dark and appreciate the weight of him in my arms, and think about the fact that one day he will be a surly teenager who is eating more in one week then I’ve eaten in the whole month. One day he’ll pull away from my kisses and choose hanging out with his friends over us. One day he’ll make a bad choice and need help fixing it. One day he will feel the pang of a broken heart. One day he will get his first job. Move out of the house. Maybe move away. Maybe come over for Sunday dinners, or maybe just on holidays.

One day, one day, one day.

He will always be my baby, but one day he won’t be a baby. And so today I’ll let him climb all over me and pull himself up and fall down. Today, I’ll hunch over and hold his little hands while he takes tentative steps. Today I’ll clap and encourage him as he learns to make his arms and legs work together to crawl. Today and today and today I will feel simultaneously filled and empty all at once, as I watch my heart go walking outside my body.

Where We Are, Where We're Going

I never get too attached to the feeling of, “Alright, I’ve got this,” because it is fleeting. But man, I am LOVING this stage. He is growing and learning so much so quickly. In the last month he has gone from sitting up with a Boppy behind him, to being able to transition himself from sitting to laying and back again. I’ll never forget watching him do it in his crib and being very excited, and then realizing, oh shit, it’s time to lower the crib! And about a week or so after that, I watched him pull himself up in his crib. The boy loves to stand! He has started crawling, but I don't think he will linger there long. It’s fun to watch him put the pieces of his world together. I see my students learning everyday, but so much of what he does is intrinsically motivated and self-directed (the way learning should be, but that’s a tangent for another time).

I have always been an avid reader, but my time for reading is almost nonexistent between work and taking care of babe. However, I do have 50 minutes in the car each day to listen to books. This has been helpful because I have listened to two great books regarding mister mister’s next steps in life, correlated to two of my biggest anxieties when it comes to him: eating and sleeping. 

Baby Led Weaning

In the last month he has been working on eating. We have started baby led weaning, which is a giant mindset shift for many people, including us, but I am so excited about the way it helps him grow and the skills it allows him to develop as an eater. He eats what we eat—starting with whole foods (think single ingredient) so he can explore different textures and flavors, with the added benefit of all the nutrient goodness in fruits, vegetables, meats, etc. He is learning to self feed, not only physically as he learns how to grasp and grab food and get it to his mouth, but also listening to his body (I want more, I’m full). I always imagined feeding babies as sitting there with a spoon and a jar of baby food begging them to take one more bite. This feels so much more natural, and he is learning so much. In BLW, you let baby put things in his mouth (even a preloaded spoon, with some guidance in the beginning.) The way food is cut is very important—most things are cut into strips of food that he can easily grab. Large strawberries are give to him whole. As he learns how to eat, he occasionally gags, and we are supposed to let him work it out—another part of the learning.  He is no more likely to choke doing BLW than spoon feeding. I will tell you that during an early gag, he ended up puking. But he picked up more food and kept eating right after, which made me feel much better.

Doing this with him has really made me think differently about food and what we eat. Don’t get me wrong, I put a lot of junk into my body, but also, I’m  more conscious of trying to create a better balance. Suddenly I’m thinking about things like shelf life—what exactly is in foods that can sit on the shelf for longer than it takes me to finish a book? And why would I want so much of those things in my body? It has been equal parts terrifying and exciting to go through this process with him. I’ve never watched someone eat so intensely! But he is doing so well with it. Here are some pictures of the fun we’ve been having:

Of course our child's first meal would be steak.

Big fan of broccoli!

And avocado.

Sweet potato fries were a hit.

Kiwi is not such a favorite.

Loved him some watermelon.

He had more fun playing in the yogurt than eating it.

Like asparagus a whole lot, too!

Again, loved to play in it.

Beans spread across toast.

Spinach omelette. 

Kiwi went a little better the second time.

BIG fan of steak and potatoes!

He thought turkey burger was okay, too :)

Goodnight, Sleep Tight

The other book I’ve listened to is called The Happy Sleeper, and ya’ll, I have learned SO MUCH from it! Everything about our bedtime routine felt really good. I would end it by rocking him to sleep and setting him down in his crib...then see his sweet little face anywhere from 1-3 times overnight. Around 5 months, he began waking up as I went to set him down in his crib. I’d pick him back up, rock him again, and repeat this process until finally we gave in and took shifts sleeping in the recliner with him. This was hard because it took away all of our mama time together and was super frustrating--why won't you just sleep, child?! Not to mention really draining. While listening to The Happy Sleeper one morning, the author said that around 5-6 months, babies have the ability to put themselves to sleep. But they need a chance to practice those skills. This part really got me: "At this point, bedtime and nighttime sleep should no longer feel like a lot of work for you. If you're still hushing everyone within a one mile radius, feeding or rocking until your child is in a deep sleep, or tiptoeing out of the room like a ninja-parent praying that she doesn't peep, you don't have to do this anymore." It almost had me in tears--really? We didn't have to do this anymore?! How, Happy Sleeper--TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!

I knew I didn't want to formally sleep train. There is no tear-free sleep training, but cry it out was definitely not an option my mama heart could handle. The Happy Sleeper introduced me to a method called the Sleep Wave--"wave" describing the way the parent flows in and out of the room at set intervals until baby is asleep. After 3 nights in the recliner, I was willing to try anything. The first night he cried for 15 minutes; the next night, 10. The night after, less than five. We had some ups and downs, but he started sleeping through the night and we are so grateful. Now we just need to iron out naps!

Chelsey keeps reminding me that he is now closer to a year than to being a little tiny baby blob. Oh, my heart. I worry about him more in some ways and less in others. I realized that this is how it will be now for the rest of my life. I was warned about this. Feeling it is a different story. But I also know that the joy I feel when I look at him and watch him learn in grow is something I get for the rest of my life. 

Just like everything else, it's about balance.