9, 10, Begin Again

August is here, which means summer is nearly over. I go back to work in two weeks and I am devastated. I knew it was coming, that summer couldn’t last forever. But I have never felt quite like this as I have stared down the barrel another school year. I knew having a baby would change my life, and that I’ve always felt things pretty strongly. But holy cannoli--I didn’t expect to feel this, like this. It’s not about the school or the kids or the people I work with or even the district itself. The biggest part of it is that I want to be with my son. This summer--with few obligations or interruptions, just following my mama instincts--has been nothing short of incredible. Little mister has grown so much, and I got to be here to watch. With Chelsey working from home, we both got to be here. In a few weeks our entire schedule changes; I got back to work and babe starts at a new sitter. There is so much anxiety in all of that, that I can’t begin to unpack it. It’s paralyzing. I’ve learned that a certain level of compartmentalizing is helpful for dealing with things; mentally I can only handle one big thing at a time. Not always the most productive, but emotionally efficient. 

I missed writing a 9 month post, and wasn’t ready to go with a 10 month one, either. In the vein of compartmentalizing, I’ve been taking time to do some other writing the last two months. Some for myself, to process through some things, and some for another purpose, and part two of why I don't want to go back to work--other aspirations. Many people have suggested (at various points in my life, actually) that I write a book. In fact, I have started several. In middle school I would write bad poetry to deal with big feelings, as well as stories to entertain my friends. I journaled on and off for years. And in my twenties I started many stories as ideas came to me, one that was even quite long. But the story I’m going to write--the one I’ve started writing--isn’t one I ever thought I’d write. I am excited to see where the journey of writing takes me...stay tuned :) 

In the meantime, I will tell you that spending the summer with my son has been incredible. Watching him grow right before my eyes--nothing short of amazing. I’ve watched him go from bear-crawling to taking a few steps, to now full-on walking. He had his first overnight (a whole weekend!) by Grandma and Grandpa Wolff and did an awesome job! Although he hasn’t said any words yet, he is communicating in his own way. And he is so darn smart, it just blows me away. He is learning a lot of cause and effect relationships as he plays. He is starting to mimic things we do, like sweeping and washing. He loves his pop-up farm book. He is learning to pet his cats gently. He has learned to play fetch with his mamas--and by that I mean he has figured out that if he throws something, we will pick it up and hand it back to him, so he can throw it again. He will take off my head band and then try to put it back on me, Chels, or himself. Yesterday, he brought me his shoe and tapped his foot with it. He is so curious, exploring everywhere, opening cabinets to see what’s inside, and just generally trying to figure out how his world works. I’m going to miss all of these little moments when I go back to work.